When we learn to attune ourselves to our inner compass we follow a map that only we can see, our own path.
I can’t identify the exact time. I can’t identify the trigger. But I can share the moment I gave words to it- that I know longer knew my true North. I was sitting in a parking lot of a friend’s store. I was texting another friend about frustration with my job search and my current employer. Why well intended comments about being “too big” for my market left me feeling small and inadequate rather than empowered. And then I said it. I can’t find my true north. I am feeling rudderless in a fragile boat on rough seas.
As a Navy wife, I spent a great deal of my life adapting to my surroundings. Finding ways to build community in a ever changing landscape. Finding ways to meet the needs of my young family with a special child, no support system and a husband out to sea. Finding a way to secure employment that allowed me to be mentally challenged yet flexible and available to the needs of a military family. My parameters were easy- what meets the needs of my family.
As I enter into this new chapter of my life, I find that the parameters are different. What meets the needs of me? For the first time in my life, there is no outside influence setting my boundaries. It is all me. And here is where I sit- lost and unsure of which path to take.
I write to keep from drowning in the seas of my mind. They are often dark and stormy, sometimes racing with wild waves and like the waters that surround the Aran islands, even when still have the potential to change at any moment. I like to think it is what makes me me. But it is not without its challenges.
My friend always tells me not to overanalyze things- said in a way that makes it seem like I can stop thinking on the 6 channels at once, that my situational awareness can lower because I want it to- that I can stop feeling the energetics of everyone around me and stop seeing behind the curtain as my friend so beautifully described it recently. I wish I could. It would make my life easier. Reduce the times I feel like big shoes on little feet, tripping and stumbling with trust that someone will understand how my brain works.
But what I can’t seem to identify is what my next step is. In recent years, I have started down paths that seem so perfect. That seem so destine in some way. Those same roads have led to stone walls that were insurmountable.
I will be settling in this eve to meditate and pray on tonight, the longest night.