Monthly Archives: December 2013

True North.

21 Saturday Dec 2013

Posted by in Uncategorized

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When we learn to attune ourselves to our inner compass we follow a map that only we can see, our own path.

I can’t identify the exact time.  I can’t identify the trigger. But I can share the moment I gave words to it- that I know longer knew my true North.  I was sitting in a parking lot of a friend’s store. I was texting another friend about  frustration with my job search and my current employer. Why well intended comments about being “too big” for my market left me feeling small and inadequate rather than empowered.  And then I said it.  I can’t find my true north. I am feeling rudderless in a fragile boat on rough seas.

As a Navy wife, I spent a great deal of my life adapting to my surroundings. Finding ways to build community in a ever changing landscape. Finding ways to meet the needs of my young family with a special child, no support system and a husband out to sea. Finding a way to secure employment that allowed me to be mentally challenged yet flexible and available to the needs of a military family. My parameters were easy- what meets the needs of my family.

As I enter into this new chapter of my life, I find that the parameters are different. What meets the needs of me? For the first time in my life, there is no outside influence setting my boundaries. It is all me. And here is where I sit- lost and unsure of which path to take.

I write to keep from drowning in the seas of my mind. They are often dark and stormy, sometimes racing with wild waves and like the waters that surround the Aran islands, even when still have the potential to change at any moment.  I like to think it is what makes me me. But it is not without its challenges.

My friend always tells me not to overanalyze things- said in a way that makes it seem like I can stop thinking on the 6 channels at once, that my situational awareness can lower because I want it to- that I can stop feeling the energetics of everyone around me  and stop seeing behind the curtain as my friend so beautifully described it recently. I wish I could. It would make my life easier. Reduce the times I feel like big shoes on little feet, tripping and stumbling with trust that someone will understand how my brain works.

But what I can’t seem to identify is what my next step is. In recent years, I have started down paths that seem so perfect. That seem so destine in some way. Those same roads have led to stone walls that were insurmountable.

I will be settling in this eve to meditate and pray on tonight, the longest night. 

In the darkness, I will search for my north star, for guidance on for where my next steps will lead me and my family.  I don’t know what the future holds but I know this.
I woke this day with access to clean water- which is more than 780 million people can say.
I woke this day in a warm, safe home with no fear in my heart- which is more than 3 million Americans can say today.
I woke this day with my family home and no one deployed- which is more than I could say for 25+ years.
I woke this day.
I am well loved. I am well blessed.
And in this moment, I am well aware that no winter lasts forever and no spring skips her turn.
Tonight I will pray to stay awake and have faith that no matter where I step – it is right for my true North is in my heart.
Love and Blessing to each of you.
MMM
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The Lady in Red.

01 Sunday Dec 2013

Posted by in Community outreach, military tributes, Servant Leadership

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Last year while training for my first half marathon, I fractured my hip. Yes, I am such an uncoordinated runner that I broke myself merely training. In all honesty, in my mind I am that mime of a sleek gazelle of a woman running with fluid ease, when in truth I am sure I look like a person having a seizure and half expect the on site medical staff to run to my aid confident that I must be in distress  after all, I  look – well- awkward.  But I love to run. I am not good at it. My body giggles.  My feet hurt. And on a day that is cold like today, the screws in my hip ache and my lungs wheeze.

All said- I still love to run. More importantly, I love to think of myself as a runner.

Today- I was running with a purpose; two in fact. As a board member for McHenry County Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) I am grateful to Mike Splitt having the brilliant idea to organize a Santa Run for Children charities. Last year, the inaugural year, the race attracted over 770 runners. This year, nearly a 1,000 runners. Not bad for a Sunday afternoon in December.  CASA is one of the organizations that benefit from the funds raised for the privilege of wearing a thin Santa suit and running in the cold.

This year, I was also running for Curtis M. Fike.  Curtis was a Marine. He served three combat deployments in 4 years. He left the Marines and was recalled a year and a half later for his 4th deployment before succumbing to the torment of an undiagnosed TBI and PTSD. He ended his pain and began a new journey for his loved ones on Jan 3, 2012.

He sent his sister a text saying he was sorry. He left a note to his family apologizing for doing something so stupid.  But he could not see his way out of the pain and more importantly- he had lost hope for a normal healthy life.  Curtis went from being a happy, young athlete with a breathtaking smile to a combat veteran who was prone to angry outbursts and road rage. He felt unsupported by the VA personnel who are prone to use pharmaceuticals as their go to tool.  One of the young men I talk with explained the dichotomy this way- the Military knows how to turn you from an individual to part of a unit. They just are not as good at re-individuating that same veteran. I did not know Curtis.  I don’t know his family. I learned who he was on pages of heartfelt tributes and various news articles. He was well loved and loved well.

Keri Jacobs created a community of runners a few years ago- running to raise awareness that veterans are committing suicide at the rate of 22 per day, To raise awareness of this epidemic.

I ran the Santa Run with a picture of Curtis on my back lovingly framed by the words 22 TOO MANY and Never Forgotten.

I saw the looks on people’s faces as they read the placards worn by my 6 friends. Six other veterans lost to suicide.  There are stories for many, many more. You may be asking yourself- so what? You wear some kid you don’t know- people feel sad- nothing changes. This is what changed for me. I now feel I know Curtis. He kept me company for 3.16 miles on my first race post surgery. I was scared and worried I couldn’t finish. I had not been training. In preparing for the race I found I gave up easily. I was afraid. Afraid I would hurt myself. Again.

But how do I not keep going when running with Curtis.  I thought- shit, this is NOTHING compared to back to back deployments.  What am I complaining about?  I spent the afternoon reading about the legacy that Curtis left- people who loved him, people who were touched by him, and the changes to the way that Veterans are treated at the center that was unable to light his way out of the darkness. Curtis’s legacy is now the light for those who follow.  Wearing his image kept me going. So, to me, it made a difference. And each time I tell someone about why I run and for whom, it will make difference.  My father always said- you have to suit up, show up and pick up the rope. We all have our load to bear.  We don’t have to be a superhero to change the world. We just need to be present.  Happy Sunday. Thanks, Curtis for running with me today- my load was much lighter with you with me

If you want to learn more about the mission of 22 Too Many- check out their facebook.  Or to learn about Curtis, follow this link. http://www.springfieldnewssun.com/news/news/local/ohio-seeing-dramatic-increase-of-ptsd-cases-1/nPSfh/